Gutsy Enough to Ask, Brave Enough to Receive
Are you getting what you want?
Simply put, you have to ask for what you want if you really want to get it. However, many women don’t. Or if they do, they ask in a demanding, pushy, or tentative way and alienate, offend, or trigger the other person to not meet the request.
Asking for what you want provides different challenges whether personal or business related, but basically, in order to ask you need to feel deserving. Unfortunately, it’s been my experience being a woman and working with women that many of us don’t feel good enough to have our needs met so unconsciously we don’t feel we even deserve to ask.This feeling may never go away entirely, no matter how much self-appeal work you do, but you can practice your way into new asking skills and be courageous regardless. As you learn to ask in a way that others hear and respond favorably to, you’ll get better at it, get more needs met, and feel more deserving.
In the past I was in a social media challenge where I was trying to increase my Self Appeal® facebook likes. One woman wrote that I was gutsy for asking her to “like” my page. I don’t consider myself gutsy. I was simply asking. The women I’m asking have a choice to “like” or not, simply by ignoring my request, just as I have the choice to ask. My responsibility lies in how I ask, and then to be responsible and not misuse their trust.
Here are some suggestions that will help you begin to act your way into not only new asking but also new thinking.
Get clear in your mind. You don’t necessarily need to explain why you want what you’re asking for, but it will make a world of difference if you at least know in your own mind.
What is it you really want? If it’s a raise, is it because you need the money or is it because you don’t feel your talents and expertise are being recognized? If it’s more time and attention from someone, is it because you don’t feel secure in the relationship or is there insecurity somewhere else in your life?
Ask yourself why you want it. Put your reasons down on paper. Writing in this “old school” way instead of on a computer will allow your mind time and opportunity to process. Really take your time with this. You may be surprised at the answer.
Practice out loud by yourself, or if it’s an especially frightening new experience, practice with someone you trust who will offer constructive feedback.
Close your eyes and visualize everything about the setting of the asking; the person you’re asking as well as the room, how it’s furnished, what you’re wearing, time of day, etc.
Visualize yourself asking and hearing “yes.” Really feel the joy in your mind and body. Stay with “yes” for a few minutes.
Open your eyes and think about what you will do if the answer is “no.” Make notes. How will you feel? What are your next options? Can you introduce new facts or make a calm case for your request? Do you feel comfortable asking them why the answer is “no” and are you prepared to hear their answer? While we hope the answer is in your favor, we have to be realistic. We can’t control anyone else’s answer, even if we have prepared and practiced, all we can do is control our actions and reactions.
Once you’re done with this, put yourself back into the visualization where you’re asking, and this time allow the person to say, “no.” Since you’ve already thought of what your options are, visualize yourself utilizing them right now.
Visualize yourself once more standing with your feet planted firmly and solidly. With a clear conscious from introspection and an open heart for yourself and the other person, ask, hear them say “yes” once more, and feel the joy.
Go to them in person, and Ask.
While this may be a lengthy practice you don’t want to do with every request, like asking for help with the dishes, perhaps it is something you do, at least initially, until you find yourself more calmly and without anger or aggressiveness making requests. If you ask from a centered place within, while the other person still has the choice whether to say yes or no, they also now have the ability to hear your request differently and react from their own grounded place. That is something we all want; to be heard and respected enough to have a dialog around our requests.
By determining your motivations and answers in the steps outlined, you’ll be clear and clean in your interactions and therefore others will have the opportunity to respond in the same calm manner. They may not say “yes” but the important point is that you’ll be able to feel good about what you’ve done. If you don’t give them a choice, you’re being unfair to them and doing yourself a disservice. The honest truth is, you have to love, honor, and respect yourself enough to ask. And be prepared. If you ask for what you want, you may not get it—or you may.